Wednesday, December 31, 2008

I Think My Dog is Trying to Kill Me

My dog, cute and wonderful as he is, is trying to kill me. Or at least watch me sprawl on the ground in pain.

You see, he's got this thing where he needs to be precisely where I am at all times (unless he's actively trying to kill my wife by the same means at that moment in time). When groceries are being brought in from the car and put away, he's in the doorway to the kitchen. When dishes are being done, he's between me and the dishwasher. When I'm on the couch, he insists on laying on the floor where my feet will go when I get up. When I get out of the shower, he's there.

[Aside: Personally, I think he likes seeing me naked, but doesn't want to admit it. Every time I catch him looking at me right out of the shower, he does this thing where as soon as we make eye contact, he looks away and pretends he didn't notice me there. ]

Fortunately for me (and him) my cat-like agility (do you smell burning pants?) allows me to maneuver around him most times, avoiding a loud and likely painful trip to floor. My little hop, hop, big step, shuffle usually prevents me from stomping on him as he lays unwavering on the floor. If, by chance, I do happen to clip his tail or leg while dancing around him, he sits up, looks at me all appalled, like I'm the a-hole. Um, you're the one laying under the footrest of the recliner, jerk.

I'm pretty sure his preferred method of attempted murder is the stairs. As I approach the top of the stairs (to go down), he will actually wait behind me until I'm on the second or third step before he tries to rush past in an attempt to send me to my clumsy demise. If I happen to walk down the stairs after him, he'll try too. I'll be going along at a pretty good clip right behind him and he will suddenly stop. Just BAM! Stop. And I have to grab onto the wall to keep from going ass over melon over him and down the stairs.

So, if any of y'all ever find me dead at bottom of the basement stairs and Dempsey with an aloof-yet-guilty look on his face, you'll know really happened.

[Aside #2: Yes, that's him at the top of this post, there. Can you see the demons in his eyes? And yes, as his shirt states, he is indeed "bossy beyond belief".]


1 comment:

SpedDoc said...

Wow! I sure hope you can change that behavior (not yours...Dempsey's) by the time the baby arrives. I can just picture a baby bundle flying through the air as you try to avoid his Dempsey-ness.